PRIVATE CONFESSIONS
First converstaion
One Sunday afternoon in the end of July 1925.
Come and sit for a while. What's the rush?
I was going to...
It can't be that urgent. Have a sit and we'll chat for a while.
How are the children?
They're with their granny in DalecarIia. I just came from there.
- And Henrik? - He's in the island. He's fine there.
Alone?
-Yes, but I'm going tomorrow.
- What about you, uncle Jacob? - I came for a funeraI.
I promised to officiate the function. My vacations will be over in a week.
Maria and I had a blessed summer, to use devout words.
I came yesterday from DaIecarlia and went straight to the hairdresser.
It's a secret passion I indulge in every now and then.
Yesterday I had diner with the HasseIroths,
some old friends. My friends.
Henrik didn't want to leave the countryside, though he'd been invited.
Obviously, since they are my friends.
Forgive me, Uncle Jacob.
It's just that there are so many things.
Forgive me, I don't cry very often, but...
It's just that there are so many things.
If there's something disturbing you...
No, no. I should head back home.
Henrik will call at four for sure.
If I don't answer right away, he gets worried.
Would you like to join me for coffee and a snack?
That sounds very good. Much better than eating alone.
Will you be free, uncle Jacob?
The mass is at 5.30. Other than that...
And afterwards?
The whole afternoon, all the time you need.
Maybe this is stupid, I don't know.
Anna, I performed your confirmation and I'm your spiritual guide.
You can tell me all that you want. Or that you must tell me.
I'm an unfaithful wife.
I'm cheating on Henrik.
I'm seeing another man.
I feel a terrible angst.
It's not a matter of bad conscience or anything like that. That'd be silly.
Just angst.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Another man.
He's much younger.
He's studying theology.
I should break up with him. For his own good as well.
But I can't.
I love him.
More than one year.
For more than one year.
You know him, uncle Jacob.
It's Tomas.
Everything was so innocent and yet so harmful.
I told Tomas to come visit us at DaIecarnia in the summer.
You know, in Vároms, my parent's summer house.
I invited him to come in the middle of the summer.
Henrik and my friend Gertrud were also supposed to be there.
But Henrik couldn't go,
he had to attend a conference.
I thought of canceling everything but
Henrik said that Tomas should come nevertheless.
We even joked about Gertrud and Tomas as a possible match.
She would be a good wife for a priest.
In the end, Tomas came.
During the afternoons
we played the piano and sang.
Gertrud has a beautiful voice and Tomas
knows a lot about music.
The three of us were always together.
Tomas, Gertrud and me.
Sometimes, I'd leave Tomas and Gertrud alone.
I didn't mind that they were together.
In fact, I wanted them to be together.
Me, with everything I'd been through.
I thought I could fly.
One of Tomas' last days in Vároms
I came down from my bedroom to set the table.
Suddenly he told me
"I love you"...
that he was fond of me.
That he'd been fond of me...
Well, he said he had been loving me
for the last two years.
That he didn't know what would become of him
if he had to leave me.
If you want to take communion, do it, Anna.
If you live in grief, if you are in trouble,
if you don't know what to do, it could be of help to take comunion
and trust your sorrows to the heart of God.
I know nothing about the heart of God, uncle Jacob.
You don't have to.
There's grace in the act itself.
And perhaps it can assuage your suffering.
I don't think it can.
As you wish.
Well, we'll meet at eight.
Enough.
Will you call Tomas?
Just to know about his mood.
Not to tell him about confessions
or to pressure him so that he'll feel the obligation to console me.
I know that I won't find him.
I'm sure he's gone to the botanic garden,
and he must be strolling through the water lily ponds,
with the fragrance of Chinese roses.
Or he'll be under the elms' shadow
reading a book for his exams.
May Our Lord Jesus Christ, whose body and blood
we received, grant you both eternal life. Amen.
You may go in peace.
The body of Christ, which will be delivered...
Many people believe that Luther abolished confession.
But it is not so.
On the contrary, he prescribed what he called "private confession".
But he didn't understand much about human beings,
that magnificent reformer.
Face to face, under the day's light, it becomes difficult.
It is better in the magical semi-obscurity of the confessionary.
The murmurs, the smell of incense.
I certainly wanted to take communion, but I repressed myself.
Shouldn't we sit in a more comfortable place?
Let us go the library.
That way you could sit in Henrik's chair and smoke a cigar.
- Henrik rarely smokes cigars. - Really?
Daddy was a great cigar smoker.
Yes, Johan loved cigars.
Good cigars and good locomotives were his passion.
I used to love sitting on his lap while he smoked.
There you go.
Thank you. Actually, I'm not such a big cigar smoker.
- But this one is good. - Thank you, sweetheart.
Very good.
This is how it happened, in case you're wondering.
Tomas and me were alone at his place.
It was a freezing January day, night was already falling.
I told him that I had to return to Stockhom,
and that it would take some time before we could meet again.
I had already dressed my coat and I was ready to go.
And at that moment I made my decision.
He stood there, noding his head and saying:
"No, no".
"Not this".
But...
I no longer had a choice.
I took his hands and drew him closer to me.
And he fell down on his knees.
I had his head between my hands
and his face against my breast.
I thought about remorse.
But I don't feel none.
And I thought about sin, but that's only a word.
I raised a wall of prohibitions between him and me.
But on the first chance I'd get to see him, I'd tear it down.
I think I could...
Yes, I know I could...
No.
This is certainly not right.
And then there's the children.
I'm kinder with them now,
more patient.
And also kinder with Henrik.
I can be tender and caring with him
and he is happier and less iiritable.
Everything has been better since I allowed myself to love Tomas.
I just want to ask you something.
If everything is as wonderful as you say,
why are you crying?
You caught me, Uncle Jacob.
I spent the afternoon with Tomas in a hotel.
I hadn't seen him for more than one month. Six weeks, I think.
And while we were talking in such a lovely way,
I felt...
I think I can guess what you felt.
I'm sure you can't.
To be honest, I felt scared.
And you started crying.
I heard myself telling you everything
and then tears began to fall.
And I couldn't...
It could be anything, couldn't it?
There's always something to cry about.
I was looking at your enormous hand, uncle Jacob
and I thought that...
If God had a hand,
which I don't think is the case,
but if God had a hand, it would be like yours.
Then I thought about that psalm:
"Lord, in this last hour I beg You
take my hand in Your hand.
Guide me".
From what you have told me, I can see that
you wanted to communicate with me.
Though you thought you couldn't. - Isn't it always like this?
An enormous bliss...
A bliss so enormous that it becomes fathomless,
while at the same time carrying a world of darkness,
all sorts of torment and terror.
I guess that I was to experience
the grief that hides behind joy.
If it wasn't God who gave me Tomas
then I'm very distant from God. And that is good.
I know that you will think that I'm being deeply blasfemous.
It's not for you to decide what I think.
I remeber the confirmation classes.
I remember you were the sharpest.
During the discussions, you made pertinent questions.
And you were friendly with your colleagues.
I knew you were coming from a place of love.
I asked myself what kind of life
was expecting you.
Why did you tell me all this?
If I dare to think about it,
if I dare to think about it even for the shortest while,
I realize that we live under threat.
I'm more and more helpless.
The children, Henrik, Tomas and I,
we are drawing closer to a catastrophe.
A life catastrophe, isn't it?
A life catastrophe.
Is there any way out?
And another question, the one that scares me the most:
do I really want a way out?
Then I think about the children.
And it hurts me so much that I throw those thouhgts away.
They are almost unbearable.
How could I leave the children? No.
This is how things go, uncle Jacob.
I haven't told this to anyone.
I don't know what I was expecting.
Maybe you could give me a good advice,
a solution. Or forgiveness for my sins.
Or at least a temporary relief.
If you're expecting an answer, I have none.
If you want my compassion, I tell you I find it hard to express it.
Poor Anna.
If you want my absolution,
I won't give it to you, for I don't think you repent it at all.
But
if even then you still want my advice,
I'll tell you a few things, whenever you take me seriously.
I understand.
Everything that I may say to you will contradict you.
Maybe I will be grateful for it.
I doubt it.
First of all,
you must drastically cut any relationship whatsoever
with your friend.
Even though it may provide you with great emotional satisfaction,
you must put an end to that relationship.
Tomas is commiting a great offense. It may affect him for his entire life.
If his indiscretion should come to light, his future as a priest
would be in danger, not to say impossible.
You say tht you love him, and I believe you.
Being loved by someone like you
is a precious gift. So I'm not saying that you should stop loving him.
What I'm saying
is that you should sever any connection with him,
completely, absolutely.
This way you'll be demonstrating your love.
You must also tell everything
to your husband.
- I can't do it. - You must.
- Anything but that. - You must do it.
I can't. What would be the point?
It's the truth. You are entangled in a web of lies.
The longer you live in it, the more miserable your life will be.
I know that Henrik wouldn't handle the truth.
It's better if I just disappear.
Henrik can hardly deal with everyday life.
He's weak and he carries a lot of angst. He's overloaded with work.
The truth would destroy him.
Our marriage doesn't work, neither spiritually nor phisically.
But there is some comradeship that keeps us together.
It has served us for 12 years. The comraderie and the children.
If I tell the truth now, it will be hell for us.
No, uncle Jacob, no.
You must tell the truth, Anna.
Can't you see that hiding the truth is very selfish of you?
And it is possible that with the truth, Henrik
Henrik will evolve and improve his life.
That he'll improve his life? I'm sorry, uncle Jacob,
but Henrik is not that kind of person.
He runs away from things everytime he can.
If he loses control for a moment, he gets furious or ill.
He would sink.
That is the truth.
Maybe
you and your family must go through a difficult ordeal.
But if you choose the truth, you'll be making yourself stronger.
Yes, of course. The path of truth will make you stronger.
If you choose truth, you will solve
the unsolvable problems.
I must go, Anna.
I understand your distancing.
And I don't ask you to think the same way I do.
I just told you my opinion.
Don't get angry, uncle Jacob.
Turn on the light so that I can see your face.
Look me in the eyes.
Yes, you are angry.
No.
You are angry and disappointed. But what were you expecting?
I don't know.
I just wanted...
Anna, we all play many role parts.
Some for fun.
Others because it's what other people want.
Most of them because we want to protect ourselves.
And slowly we lose the one which is not a role part.
As I keep on acting, I get more and more distant from myself.
So I can say that now,
at this precise moment,
I am finally myself.
Living with Henrik I was more and more entangled
in what you have called role parts.
When I'm with Tomas
I know I can be a real person.
It's not like that, Anna. It's not like that.
I remember what you told me before your confirmation.
I pray to God that I can become useful, you said.
- You were tremendously strong. - Yes, I know.
It was childish. I was a child.
- God listened to your prayer. - No.
We always receive what we ask from God,
but not always in the way that we expect it.
Do you think that God is not worried about your hardships?
No.
Did you stop believing?
Do you believe in God, uncle Jacob?
A Father in the sky? A God of love?
A God with hands
and with a heart and vigilant eyes?
Don't say that word, "God". Say "the Holiest".
In every person there is the holiness of Man.
Everything else is attributes,
masks, manifestations, mistakes.
One cannot calculate or capture
the holiness of Man.
At the same time it is something to hold on to...
something very concrete, until death.
What happens afterwards is a mystery.
Only poets, musicians and saints
have given us mirrors in which we can have a glimpse
of the unfathomable.
They have seen,
known, understood.
Not totally, but through fragments.
I find it recomforting to think of Man's holiness
and the mysterious immensities that surround us.
Listen, Anna.
What I'm telling you is not a mere metaphor, it's reality.
Inscribed in the holiness of Man is the truth.
Nothing can go against
truth without an error, without causing harm.
No, uncle Jacob.
I'll never be able to say what they call the truth.
Never. I'm sure of that.
Second conversation.
One afternoon in the middle of August.
Some weeks after the first converstaion.
The sun was shining over the city.
Shall I help you with the bag? We'll carry it together.
I'll go to the pier for a swim.
I'll go with you. This way you won't drown.
It's so hot!
It's very hot!
It's fantastic!
A cup of tea would be nice.
Henrik. Let's have a cup of tea, yes?
It's been five long weeks.
I missed you.
I missed the children too,
but mostly you.
I'm not complaining.
It would be petty to complain when things are going so well.
And I didn't feel lonely, so I can't complain.
You
wrote me some very tender letters, which I used to read in the afternoon.
And finally you're here.
With me.
And the best thing is that we'll be alone for a few days,
before the kids come.
I don't want to do it tonight.
No, Henrik. No.
What's wrong?
Nothing. I just want you to let me be quiet for some time.
Haven't you been too much already?
I need some time to get used to it.
Don't come making demands.
Strong word. I don't demand anything from you.
I just don't want it!
Did I do something wrong, Anna?
No.
Forgive me for being so stupid.
Answer me, please, Anna. I beg you.
You can't treat me like this!
Are you listening to me?
There, now we can see our faces.
Forgive me, Anna...
I was behaving like a child. It's just that I was afraid.
Henrik, you must listen to me.
I'm going to tell you something that will hurt you a lot.
Now I'm worried.
Truth is...
I've been living with another man for some time now.
Don't continue.
And I love him.
You love him.
I love him more than anyone else.
I live in a complete way with him.
With my senses, with my heart.
- The truth, Anna? - This is the truth, Henrik.
I spent the day with Tomas. I just came from being with him.
- Tomas? - I don't want to go on like this.
- I can't. -Tomas?
You know him.
Tomas Egerman?
Yes, Tomas Egerman.
But he's studying...
He's studying theology in UpsaIa.
He'll graduate in two or two and a half years.
I'm sorry, Henrik.
I'm sorry.
I have nothing else to say.
But when I think of how things will be in the future
I get angry. I don't know why but...
it's like this. - I'm trying to remain calm.
I don't want to hurt you, Henrik.
What is the thing you want the most?
I'd rather stay here with you
and look after our house and our children.
Anything else is madness,
something unthinkable.
But give me some freedom.
Let me be with Tomas for some time.
Some time. What is that?
I don't know. You asked me, I'm trying to answer you.
And should I find me some "company"
during this indefinite period?
If you wish to...
If you demand it from me, I'm willing to abandon everything...
The children, the house, everything.
I will discretely disappear.
- Don't worry. - The children?
Yes, the children, Henrik.
Maybe it's better for them if I am not here.
This way they would be spared any problems.
We've always kept them away from them, haven't we?
Poor Anna.
Poor Anna, what you've been through.
I begged God to fall ill or go straight to the hospital.
Only to escape all this guilt, all this...
Do you think there is any meaning in this that is happening to us
and that causes us so much pain?
I wanted to tell you. I almost told you several times.
You're still my best friend, despite all that has happened.
You're the only one with whom I could always talk,
and it's been very strange for me to have to pretend
and act.
- Do you understand what I say? - I do.
I thought of telling you and furthermore
I thought that between us two...
I understand.
But then I saw all the work that you had to do,
all the responsibility toward so many people.
Then I thought that you couldn't handle the truth.
I thought it would be cruel.
Yes...
It would be cruel to involve you in something
I had to solve by myself.
Sometimes I'd suddenly think "it is now".
"Now I'll tell him everything, no matter what".
But then I saw your anxiety
and your exhaustion.
And the more time passed away
the harder it was for me.
Does anyone else know about it?
No.
Not even your mother?
No. How can you think that I'd tell it to her?
Not at all.
No one else?
No.
Are you sure?
Märta knows it.
Ah, Märta.
I'll tell you, but it will hurt you.
Maybe it's better if I know it.
I wanted to be with Tomas.
I wanted us to be alone for a few days.
Tomas had much more doubts than me. He wanted it and he didn't.
He was afraid. He said it would be a mistake.
But I told him that a mistake would already be a prowess.
So I wrote to Märta,
who was spending some time with her aunt in Norway.
I explained her the whole situation.
She replied and said that we could spend there
a few days on our own. - I see.
I can see that you want to understand it.
And I thank you for it.
Have you talked with anyone else?
Yes.
So?
With uncle Jacob.
So he knows about it.
He's our friend, an intimate friend.
He conducted my confirmation.
- He's my superior. - Does it matter?
No, maybe not.
He likes you, I know it. And you also know it.
I met him unexpectedly.
We sat on a bench in the cemetery and we talked.
He directly asked me if there was something bothering me and I confessed it.
What did he say?
He advised me to tell the truth, that there was no other option.
He told me to break my relationship with Tomas.
That it was my only option, that it was my duty.
He said that I'd be sinning against you if I didn't tell you.
He was very harsh.
Or maybe he just sounded harsh to you.
What were you expecting?
I don't know.
I made my confession without any goals or hopes.
It was necessary. I guess I knew what he would tell me
but I was afraid.
You were afraid?
Yes, I was afraid.
I told uncle Jacob that the truth in this situation
could be a disaster for many people.
And he replied that
it was a mistake to underestimate you, Henrik.
And now I see
that uncle Jacob was right.
And I thank you, Henrik.
You helped me.
Is it true that sister Sophia will be working as a visitor?
Why not? She's an excellent person.
But she has artritis and she's always tired.
How did they select her?
- I understand it. - Well, I don't.
What I can't undestand is why we eat in a dirty tablecloth.
I don't understand it. - A dirty tablecloth?
Yes, the tablecloth is stained.
I don't know how long it's been like this. More than one week.
Ten days at least.
I can't believe you didn't notice it.
You usually detect stains.
Where are the stains? Where?
Here...
Here and...
here.
I don't know where you're heading, Henrik.
Nowhere special. It's nothing important.
Not for you, at least, or so it seems.
Tomorrow you'll eat over a clean tablecloth. The subject is closed.
I'm very sorry if the tablecloth stains have annoyed you,
but we are in the country and we have no guests.
Things don't seem that simple to me.
Then tell me how things seem to you.
It's very clear, Anna.
I just realized that you are neglecting our place.
What did you say?
Neglecting our place.
Fluff under the bed, filthy tablecloths,
dead plants.
I've been away for six weeks. And the plants...
And why were you away for six weeks?
Answer me sincerely.
Sincerely, Anna.
I don't understand it. We had agreed on this.
You didn't want to go to Dalecarlia with mother.
You preferred to stay here, by the sea.
You yourself suggested that
me and the children should go to DalecarIia and that we would
meet here in the beginning of August. Remember?
I remeber how quicky you accepted my suggestion.
I was thankful to you for not making it more complicated.
You were thankful because you could meet your lover this way.
All these little trips to Uppsala were beginning to sound suspicious.
Now I understand it.
I went three times to UppsaIa with my mother
to help her with some matters.
Four times. Four, Anna.
Four, it's true. Four.
All of which were magnificient opportunities
to meet with your lover.
Answer me, Anna. For God's sake, let's be honest!
I beg you.
What do you want to know?
- I already told you everything. - I want details.
Details? What do you mean?
Just what I said.
You owe me a detailed explanation
of this amorous affair with that person.
What if I refuse?
I have many ways to force you. Have you thought about it?
- You can keep the children. - It will be better for both of us
if you are as honest as possible.
Answer my questions with complete honesty.
And with complete tranquility I will evaluate your answers,
perhaps with the help of a legal attorney,
and then decide about the following step.
Do you understand me? - Yes.
Do you want to say something?
I was just wondering
where has all your mercy and comprehesion gone.
Where is it, the one you displayed on Sunday?
My comprehension is not unchanging.
What you told me paralized me, but now I can see my duty.
Your duty?
Yes. My duty toward the children.
I can't leave them. I must think of the children before anything else.
My sweet Henrik.
Since you, obviously without any hesitation whatsoever,
placed your pleasure before anything else,
endangering your family,
I must assume the responsibility.
I can't tolerate broken glasses, dirty tablecloths,
dead plants or thorn curtains.
I can't tolerate the untidiness your indecency has brought into this house.
Henrik, you can't...
I can't what? I will do what must be done!
I will do what my duty requires at this moment!
If you find it less unpleasant, less embarrassing,
I can write my questions to you
and you will answer me in a letter,
which, of course, will be treated with the utmost care.
- I see. - I was here
alone, missing my family.
I was happy to see that you and the children were fine.
I told you in a letter to be brave,
to rest, to take care of yourself,
that we'd see each other soon, that we are in the hands of God.
What do you want now?
Were you naked with this person?
You've heard me.
Yes, but I don't know if I'm dreaming.
Were you naked, were both of you?
Yes, we were naked!
Interesting. With me,
you only get naked reluctantly.
That is true.
How many times did you sleep with him?
I don't know.
I'm sure you do, but you're ashamed to tell it to me.
Between 15 and 20 times, I think.
And how many times did you come straight from his bed
to me?
I don't know. I tried to avoid it.
But then I thought that as long as it was as brief as possible,
it would be better to submit without making a scene.
And is that love?
Yes, maybe that's love.
And how long has this ignominy been going on?
I by that you mean
my amorous relatioship with Tomas,
then it's been going on for more than a year.
Last Summer, Gertrud and Tomas came to Vároms.
You were supposed to join us later and I was alone with the kids.
They came and we celebrated St. John's night together.
We used to go for long walks in the woods.
One day
Gertrud had a sore throat and decided to stay at home.
Tomas and I went together to Djuptjärn.
There's an old farm there.
I asked him to be with me.
I pushed him into it!
- Aren't you ashamed? - No.
How come?
After the problems with my last delivery,
I think I can't feel ashamed anymore.
And why did you tell me to do it safely?
You made me do it safely. Why did you lie to me?
I lied to you because
the idea of having your seed inside my body was unbearable.
- But not his? - No.
Not his.
Now I understand.
Now I understand
why you've been so careless about your house this last year.
The broken glasses,
the dirty tablecloths...
Quite the contrary.
My conscience was so heavy that I worked twice as hard,
for you and for the kids.
I did everything I could, everything I could think of.
You can accuse of the worst things
but not of neglecting our house.
Nor my work at the parish
or my affection. - But your conscience was heavy.
Yes.
It's true.
But mostly because I love them
and you too.
I wanted to make it up to you as much as possible.
And what do you talk about?
I don't understand you.
What do you talk about? Or do you just fornicate?
Don't talk to me like that! It's humiliating!
Then answer me!
I don't know! He asks himself if God will punish us!
And?
And what?
I thought I could live the joy of love
for once in my life. Now I don't know anymore.
I begged God to punish me instead of Tomas.
- You superseded one another. - What do you mean?
You superseded one another in religious erotism.
I must vomit.
Drink this.
It will be good for you.
Do you want to
throw up again?
I will sit by your side.
Take a rest in the sofa.
We won't talk.
Let's not make things worse.
You'll be fine with the blanket and the cushion.
I'll be sitting here without making any noise.
I think it's raining.
I'll close the terrace door.
Done.
Third conversation.
Six months after the first meeting of Anna and Tomas.
Two months before the confession.
Please, could you...
Good morning. These bags are going to the boat from Molde.
Maybe we should salute each other.
Yes. Good morning, Mrs. Bergman.
Good morning, Mr. Egerman.
How thoughtful of you to come and pick me up.
We had stayed in the boat.
I've been waiting for you for hours.
Maybe you were hoping I wouldn't come.
I guess I'm afraid.
- This is an adventure. - Are you still afraid?
Aren't you?
Yes.
A little.
Well, let's go.
Thanks.
"Molde is beautifully located,...
with a wonderful view to the fiords and the snowy
RomsdaI hills".
- A main street. - He looks like our parish priest.
Let's discuss the practical details.
- That sounds terrible. - Terrible but necessary.
I suppose it is.
Finaly we can be on our own fot a couple of days.
All this looks incredibIe, to me at least.
We'll stay in Märta's aunt's house, outside the village.
Can you trust her?
She's the only one who knows, but it's inevitable.
We became close friends at the nursing school in Uppsala.
She's a missionary and a nurse, and she works in China.
She came to visit her aunt, who lives in Molde
but now is in a bathing resort in Baviera.
And Märta is out for a congress in Eidsvág...
We'll be alone at the house.
This boat stops at Eidsväg before MoIde.
Märta will come to give us the house keys.
Your friend will come here?
To the boat?
Don't be so alarmed, Tomas.
You should have told me.
You said that you'd plan the trip according to my wishes
and that I'd deal with the practical issues.
Yes, but this about your friend...
Don't worry about Märta.
She's the best friend one can have.
She doesn't approve of our relationship. She says
it is dangerous and all that.
But when the moment comes, she's very loyal.
Aren't you afraid, Anna?
So much planning.
If I think about it, yes. So I don't think. I just plan it, that's it.
The only thing that frightens me...
The only thing that frightens me is that we must
give our love such proportions.
What do you mean by that?
Maybe our poor love won't stand all this weight.
- It must justify what we do. - Think so?
You have such beautiful hands.
But you bite your nails.
At he begnining, without you realizing it,
I used to watch your hand when you were not watching
and used to think that this hand...
Yes?
No, nothing.
We must discuss another practical issue.
It's the wedding ring of my maternal grandfather.
He gave it to me before he died.
You can put it on.
It would look awkward if you didn't carry a wedding ring.
But Anna...
- You promised to play at the church. - Yes, of course.
- But even so... - The ring is a precaution,
Nothing more, Tomas. - You thought of everything.
What a sad face.
No, no. But the ring...
I don't know.
You must be wise, Tomas.
The ring is a practical matter.
And fun too.
What would grandfather say on his grave?
Put it, Tomas.
We'll become invisible during these two days.
No one will see us, no one will hear us.
It's like a dream.
Let's hope it won't turn into a nightmare.
Smile a little, Tomas.
Are you crying?
I almost never cry. I quit it long ago.
I've also been feeling distressed.
Sometimes I think: "My poor Tomas...
Emotions certainly disturb him,
my emotions and his".
I think that maybe you were longing for something else,
something peaceful and pretty,
free of lies.
Yes, a gift from God.
Not like this.
I won't start crying. I'm not sad, really.
No need to console me.
Yes, console me.
I'm inconsolable.
Märta.
The one and only.
Goos morning, Anna.
Good morning, Sr. Egerman.
Anna, sweet heart,
despite everything you're radiant and happy.
And your cheeks are reddish.
Do you want something to drink? A tea...
or a snack.
No, thank you.
But still,
if you don't mind, I'd like to talk with Anna alone.
Anna and I will go somewhere and you may perhaps
stay here reading a book.
You can get something from my traveling books.
There you go.
I'm sure you haven't read it.
"The Works of Love" by Sören Kierkegaard, written in 1847,
translated and recently published with annotations by
Torsten Bohlin.
I will do what your friend says.
Take the keys.
This is the side entrance to the house
and this is the main door.
I suggest you use the main entrance,
the neighbors can't see it.
They are very reserved and I don't think they will disturb you.
I hope you won't regret this adventure.
I will pray for you tonight
so that nothing can hinder us.
You may think that this trip is a sudden whim.
This trip...
I don't know how to explain it.
This trip has something to do with death.
I can't find the right words but
it's something like this:
I think
it is painful to discover one's own loneliness.
I don't mean absolute loneliness, the loneliness
at one's dying moment, the loneliness of a child.
Yes, I know, Märta. We are never alone,
we live in the hands of God.
I've tried so many times,
but I never managed to achieve that bliss.
Alone.
It's pretty clear.
Then Tomas came into my solitude.
And no we both can say
that we are not alone.
What else can I say?
At least I can tell you I'm in a good mood.
I'm not well. I'm sad.
But what's the point of saying
"I am sad" if no one cares?
Let's see.
Look.
Look at that house.
Your Anna is a little tipsy,
but I'm telling you it didn't happen yesterday.
I was born under the sign of Leo,
I have the heart of a lion.
I got it from my mother, ans she's not afraid of anything.
Neither am I.
Are you afraid of me?
I guess not.
Be honest.
- Yes, sometimes. - What frightens you?
I don't know. I don't think that way.
You don't think that way?
You scare me when...
I take control.
Yes.
Forget about tomorrow.
We won't make plans again.
- Do you regret making this trip? - No.
Yes, but not the way you think. - Then how?
I wouldn't know how to put it.
Aren't you afraid?
Come here, sweet heart.
Let's go to Mrs. Borkman room
before we run out of courage.
Let us undress separately.
I'll undress in the bathroom and you'll undress outside. Agreed?
And don't turn on the light.
If someone passes by, surely they will ask
what Mrs. Borkman is doing at her age.
- I must get up. - Yes, of course.
Just move a litlle.
I must still be sleeping.
I'm going.
The boat to AndaIsnäs will leave in two hours,
at seven.
It leaves
one hour later on Sundays.
I will walk to the port. It's not far.
I found a note in the dressing room
with the timetable for arrivals and departures.
On Sundays it leaves at seven.
One hour later than the rest of the week.
There is a direct connection with the train.
It leaves at 5 p.m..
It's a slow train.
A passengers train that stops at every single station.
I won't reach Oslo before
tomorrow at one o'clock.
From there I have several options.
I could be in Stockholm at 7 p.m.
and in UppsaIa at 9.
Don't go.
One must be consequent.
What do you mean?
Just what I said.
I must be consequent.
I realized that I haven't been.
In what respect haven't you been consequent?
I should have seen my own insufficiencies.
I should have said that this trip was a mistake.
Perhaps not for you, but for me, yes.
This adventure is too much for me, I'm too dull.
I knew it from the beginning but you took the initiative
and I was a coward, I didn't want to contradict you.
I knew I couldn't handle it.
I knew it all the time.
Please don't feel so miserable. Or at least...
let us be miserable together.
It's obvious that we have thrown ourselves into something
too big and too dangerous.
But if we stick together maybe we can fix the damage.
Such tiny feet.
Are you still here? I thought that you...
Yes.
Thanks you.
You're very kind, Märta.
You're very kind.
One thing is certain.
What?
Well, I know
I've seriously harmed Tomas
by forcing him to come here.
He could have refused.
How could he refuse? I was so excited.
No, no, no.
He made some comments, of course.
Small, innocent comments.
Did you ever experience this strange thing
that you can't remember the faces you see every day?
I'm trying to remember
mother's face, or Tomas', or the children's, and I can't.
And when I dream,
I know that I'm dreaming of someone close,
someone I see every day.
The dream tells me it is so,
but the face...
almost never fits, it's an unknown face.
Suddenly, when walking around here...
It must have been Sunday afternoon because...
Or maybe it was Monday afternoon, I don't know.
Suddenly,
while I was walking through the houses,
I saw Henrik's face.
And it was horrible because
it wasn't Henrik as he is today.
Not that face that is
authoritarian and malicious, or that cries.
Neither it was Henrik when he becomes demanding or anguished.
Nor Henrik with
the frightened or simply dumb face.
It was not that face.
It was another face.
But although it was another face,
I knew it was Henrik.
And I know
that he is the most lonesome person on earth.
He's...
an adult child.
And I had been left to look after him,
I had been given the responsibility.
I...
am the one who's going to inflict those wounds that never heal.
The wounds that get infected...
the ones that hurt the most.
The ones that never heal.
I see him holding on to me.
I am scared
and furious.
And when he truly threatens my poor freedom,
I mortally wound him.
I could easily kill him.
And my gun...
Is Tomas.
This is how things are.
It's this simple, Märta.
What about Tomas?
Tomas left me.
But I won't leave him.
Fourth conversation.
Ten years later. An Sunday in October.
Dear Anna.
How lovely, dear Anna.
You haven't changed.
Dear Anna.
It's been a long time.
- A long time, no? - Yes.
Wait. It was...
Wait, let me see.
We met for the last time in Hedvig EIeonora, two...
No, actually it was three years ago.
Yes, Henrik was reading the mass.
It was the Sunday before the 1932 advent
and you were there with the children.
One gets geographically distant from people
although the distance is not long.
Geographically, yes. But not...
How should I say this...
Not in a significant way. Not emotionally.
I often think about you, Anna.
And I think about...
Here I am.
I spend the day worrying about things.
You've always enjoyed that, uncle Jacob.
I must not complain.
I am fine in my uselessness.
I'm not doing bad.
But that takes a long time.
Now I do everything very slowly.
It suits me well, for being so impatient and vague.
Now I must make an effort every hour,
every minute.
But I want to be up and dressed.
I want to sit on my chair as soon as possible.
I have a strong heart, that won't stop working.
One afternoon,
my heart speeded up, and then it stopped...
and I stopped to think about it.
And I thought: "that's it, it's over".
But no.
And now I'm addicted to morphine.
That's the best part
in this long and sad story.
If I seem to be very lively and talkative,
that's because I've just been given my dose.
And it's like paradise.
First,
pain and afliction.
Then, no pain and euphoria.
So it's all about
dividing my time between good and evil.
Maria reads to me several hours a day.
I am
too tired and wasted to read.
She reads me "The Queen's Diadem".
Sometimes hours are too long.
Then Maria plays the piano for me.
I don't need company.
It's too exhausting and disturbing.
Friends think that you need company when
you are dying, but not me.
So Maria says "no" to every one of them.
The only thing
which is truly tedious
in all this tedium is that I can't eat.
Liquids are the only thing I tolerate, and that's horrible.
When I think of
the gluttonous epicure I used to be...
Eating well and drinking well.
But I guess this is my punishment.
Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins.
How are things going for you, Anna?
Well, nothing much. Same as usual.
And that is good.
It would be unfair to complain. The children are good.
Mother had pneumonia, but we think she will recover.
Henrik is nervous because of the nomination.
But you already know this...
Yes, yes. I didn't ask you for a report.
I want to know how things are going for you,
how is Henrik, what happened.
It's been ten years since we last had a serious conversation.
The moment has come.
I read somewhere that your friend got married
and I heard that he is living outside UppsaIa.
I also heard that.
Why the gloomy face?
Don't I deserve
that you tell me how it all was?
Of course you do, but I don't know
if there is anything to tell.
The reason why I asked
Maria to contact you...
The reason was that
I didn't want to die without knowing how it worked for you.
I've always loved you
as if you were mine, Anna.
Like a daughter.
Not a single day passes in which I don't think about your life.
During the long hours of sickness,
the conversation
we had ten years ago keeps coming to my mind...
Coming to my mind...
And it won't let me rest.
But here we are,
face to face.
The moment has come.
Now I want to know.
I followed your advice, uncle Jacob.
I took the opportunity that Henrik and I were
alone in the summer house.
It was difficult.
I must tell you it was very difficult.
I knew I'd hurt him.
But I told him everything as it was,
concealing nothing.
Not even the most painful details.
Henrik remained immobile
but he listened to me without interrupting.
When I was finished,
we were in silence for a while.
Then Henrik said:
"Poor Anna, what you've been through".
And we started talking
and I found the courage to talk more about myself
than in the twelve years we had been living together.
It was an incredible evening, Uncle Jacob.
Almost majestic.
I thought of everything you had told me,
of giving Henrik the opportunity to mature.
Without reproaches...
without threats, without bitterness,
with nothing bad.
See, Anna?
See?
Yes, I see it.
And then?
I did what you had advised me to.
I broke up with Tomas.
It was hard,
but after telling about it to Henrik
our secret life could not go on.
So I broke up with Tomas.
There were tears, of course. But
now it is nothing more than a beautiful memory.
Tomas got married.
Well, you already know it.
I don't see him anymore.
Is Henrik still working too much?
Henrik works extremely hard.
He always works like that.
That was a bad year, in all respects.
The children got sick, I got sick.
Henrik was not allowing himself a single moment of rest.
And then his nervous crisis came.
But you know, uncle Jacob? At the hospitaI
we ended up closer to one another.
I think there is nothing else to tell.
They operated me twice and I almost died.
So mother had to take charge of the house.
It wasn't easy. Mother and Henrik never got along.
What about Henrik and Anna?
Henrik and Anna
live together like good friends.
We can even have a fight, which we didn't before.
And Henrik understands that I need a little freedom.
Just a little.
Next Summer,
me and two other women are going to Italy.
It's a big step.
To be honest, I was worried.
I wouldn't dare asking you about it.
What you've told me
is a great relief.
Now I can say what Simeon said in the Temple:
"Lord, now allow your servant to leave in peace,
according to your word".
Forgive me, Anna.
I feel great tenderness for your courage.
Do you remember when we stopped at the Cathedral's Bridge
and we counted the seven bridges of UpsaIa?
Yes...
And the capital sins. - Yes.
Pride, avarice, lust,
envy, gluttony,
laziness,
wrath.
And spiritual sloth.
May God bless you.
Could you wait outside for a moment?
- We'll be finished in a moment. - Of course.
Good morning.
You see, I happen to be
one of his oldest friends.
He asked me
to give him communion now.
Today
is the anniversary of our joint ordination.
Fifty years ago.
You can come now.
The night that
Christ was betrayed, He took the bread,
thanked the Lord for it, broke it
and gave it to His disciples, saying: take it and eat it,
this is my body, which will be given by you.
Do this in my memory.
In the same manner, He took the chalice
and said:
take it and drink from it.
This is the chalice of my blood,
which will be shed for you,
for the remission of your sins.
Do this in my memory.
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be...
The body of Christ, which will be given by you.
The blood of Christ, which will be shed for you.
May Jesus Christ.
whose body and blood you have received,
grant you eternal life.
Amen.
Don't forget the psalm.
The psalm, yes.
Well, let's sing the psalm.
Lord, in my dying hour I beg you
to take my hand unto your hand.
Guide me with your eternal light.
Lead me to your joyful kingdom.
He needs air.
Let's put his arms up.
Anna, call sister EIlen.
Come, please. Uncle Jacob is not well.
Fifth conversation
One afternoon in May, 1907. Anna is 18 years old.
At 10h30 we will all meet
in the dressing room.
At a quarter to eleven
we will go in procession to the cathedral.
There will be a seat reserved for you, I will point it out.
You must bring your missals.
And you cannot receive flowers or gifts before the office.
Well, let us thank the Lord.
I'll see you at the morning celebration.
Good afternoon and good night, my children.
Good afternoon.
You may go.
Can I have a word with you?
Just a moment.
Of course.
It's a new hat. I thought it was very ellegant.
You'll get used to it.
Father invites you and aunt Maria for a meal this Sunday.
Thank you very much.
There will be music afterwards.
Sounds very tempting.
Mother will call you.
Actually, this was not the reason...
No, I had figured that out.
- It's about a problem. - I thought it would be.
I'm afraid you may feel offended, uncle Jacob.
I doubt that you can say anything that will offend me.
It's like this...
Say it, Anna.
I can't take communion.
If you can't take communion, you'll have a good reason for that.
I try to imagine myself on my knees in the altar...
with the host and the wine.
It would be a deceit.
Deceit is a very strong word.
A lie, if you prefer.
If I took part in that ritual, I'd be acting.
I can't.
Let's go out for a walk. Let's have a look
at springtime.
I'll fetch my hat and my coat.
Let us sit here.
- What are you thinking, uncle Jacob? - What am I thinking?
One doesn't have to say
"I love you". But one can perform works of love.
That's how I imagined my life.
- You have thrown away the hat. - No, it fell down on its own.
You let it fall?
You didn't like it.
Don't worry, it will pass.
Hug me, it's nothing serious. Don't say a word.
You can't forbid me to talk.
I don't want to talk.
But I do.
What would you want to say?
I was just going to say that the Fyris has seven bridges.
The Iceland Bridge,
the Västgöta Bridge, the New Bridge,
the Cathedral Bridge, the Hagalund Bridge,
and the Luthagen Bridge.
Seven bridges.
Seven, like the deadly sins.
Can you list them?
Laziness,
wrath,
gluttony,
envy, lust...
It's striking nine o'clock.
Your father will be wondering where you are now.
Mother is already angry.
We'll say goodbye here.
Thank you. Good night.
Anna, if you don't want to take communion tomorrow,
call me at eight. I will be in my study room.
Then you'll tell me
if you're going or not.
I'll call you.
The worst part is mother and the guests.
- And the confirmation dress. - Be serious.
I'm being serious.
I'm almost crying.
Go to your room, close the door
and cry.
When you're done with crying
take your decision - Just like that?
Just like that.
Translated by Sateri for Karagarga.
Kindly sponsored by Dudu, Stiller, Pueben, JoaoKG, Gbigbi and Luther B.